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Being ignored is one of the worst feelings in the world.
When I was in university, I tried to make a point of acknowledging people that I knew when I saw them around campus, even if it was just a nod or a quick grin. I used to get discouraged when other people didn’t say hello back or otherwise acknowledge my existence.
Later in life, whenever I caught myself ignoring or avoiding other people (sometimes way too frequently), I had to step back and examine why I was doing this. Common knowledge might say that you’re being ignored because the other person doesn’t like you, but common knowledge can be wrong, like in this example. I came to the conclusion that there could be multiple reasons why you (or I) might be ignored by other people we know. Moreover, they might not be intentionally hurtful reasons.
By the way, this applies to online and offline behavior. Sometimes it can seem like your little part of the online world is like an isolated island that no one can find.
So let’s look at this concept, starting with the potentially soul-crushing reasons why people won’t give you the time of day (don’t take these personally, okay? I’m just illustrating):
The Bad Reasons
The main reason that people will ignore you in a callous, ignorant, or hurtful way is that acknowledging you will be unpleasant to them. Here are the three sub-reasons:
- You are a source of embarrassment – being seen near you or talking to you will make them look bad to other people.
- You are a source of anger, sadness or pain – you may have done something that hurt this person in the past and they associate you with that bad feeling. Sadly, sometimes you don’t realize why they feel this way and so you wind up feeling slighted, too.
- You are a time sink to a self-centered person (from @scamtypes) – time spent acknowledging you will prevent them from spending time on other things that they want to do.
Another reason why people may choose to ignore you is that it is a way to demonstrate power over you (from @pchaney). Rejection makes the heart grow fonder (or obsessive or more easily manipulated?)
People can be really nasty to each other, using attention as a weapon. Our need for recognition can be used against us. This used to really bum me out. However, I did think of some benign reasons why people might ignore you (or me). If you’re cursing human nature after reading this article so far, maybe now you need to consider…
The Benign Reasons That Lead People To Ignore You
I think there are five main reasons why people may unintentionally ignore you:
Intent focus on a single goal – can’t focus on you
This can happen when a person is late for an appointment – they tend to ignore everyone and everything around them in order to get to their destination. The same holds true if they are under the compulsion of an urgent biological need (e.g. bathroom break, feeling sick) – they wouldn’t notice a tank or an elephant if it got in their way: they’d go up, under, or around the obstacle in their path. I know I would.
Intent focus on one other person
Some people become completely absorbed in the person that they’re with that they ignore the rest of the world. See new (or established) romantic interests, old friends, close family members, etc. as examples of these kinds of relationships. This focus can happen out of interest in the other person, out of empathy for what they are talking about, or simply out of respect. In some situations, you might be ignored by someone out of respect for that person’s conversation partner. Some people feel that it’s rude to let their attention stray from the person that they’re with. Emotional people tend to demand even more attention.
Overwhelmed by other stimuli
If you’re being ignored by someone who has three kids (or more) in tow, give them the benefit of the doubt. They’re probably maxing out on sensory input. The same holds true with someone who’s talking on their cellphone and doing something else at the same time. True, this may be self-inflicted pain on their part, but sometimes people do get urgent calls to deal with… Another possibility is that they are an introvert and they just can’t deal with other people at the moment.
They’re terrible with faces and/or they have bad eyesight
Some people who don’t recall faces very well. Or, it could be that they forgot their glasses and you look like a blur to them. This isn’t a likely scenario, but it’s possible.
You don’t look the same and they don’t recognize you
This final reason used to happen to me a lot when I was in my late teens and early 20s. Many of us change a lot during growing spurts or “filling out”. In my case, my hairstyle and features changed a lot between high school graduation and the ensuing seven years (I went from almost no body fat to a more average amount of body fat – thanks beer). For years it seemed like no one recognized me in public, especially when I started to cut my hair short.
Clearly, our appearance can change as we grow older. People who don’t see us for long periods of time remember the way we used to look. Therefore, if you’re ignored by someone you haven’t seen in years, consider whether or not your appearance has changed during those years. Similarly, in online media, changing your avatar or photo just might throw people off for a few moments. The same might be true if you change your username or E-Mail address.
Sometimes being ignored isn’t a belligerent act
I’m not writing this article to suggest that it’s OK to ignore people. I’ve clearly suggested some hurtful reasons why people ignore you. However, sometimes it’s better to give someone the benefit of the doubt (keep an open mind, but not an empty one) when they ignore you, especially if it’s a friend or friendly colleague. And just remember, these reasons can apply both to real-life interaction as well as social media and other online interaction.
So, after reading this article, what do you think? Should we give more people the benefit of the doubt when they ignore us?
If you liked this post, please check out these other great posts:
Dealing with the lonely pursuit of creative work
Five Danger Signals That Warn You That You Are Being Manipulated and Five Things To Do When You Are Being Manipulated
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If I ignore someone, it’s because I was too focused on what I was doing though I apologize the first chance I get. As for others ignoring me, it comes down to me being quiet and shy people get overlooked no matter what they say. I’ve had many instances where I’ve come up with a creative idea to see it ignored. Later, someone else will reiterate my idea and get credit for it with people wowed no one else came up with it sooner.
Hi, at present in my organization my supervisor completely ignores me. At first i thought he was experiencing some personal problem so I still tried to make conversation, he was relunctant. This has continued and has damaged our communication and work relationship. Still he does not speak to me in addition he cant even look at me. This has demotivated my work performance.
The most hurtful part is that i did nothing wrong, I was always professional and efficient in my duties. He speak with everyone else but me. After working with him for three years I have observed,admire and respected his work now I just want to leave this organization. This troubles me because i cant deal with it and I now have to find myself a new job. I dont want to ask him anything, I prefer to leave it because in my eyes he is still a good person just not me.
I am of the perception that he does not want me around but he cant fire me because he hired me to help out my financial and social situation initially.
I need some advice please.
I ignore people who keep asking me do do favors for them. I’m not referring to family members, I am referring to mother’s who keep asking me to babysit their kids for free.
Reading your comments is nowhere near as hurtful as being actually ignored and thanks for your words.
I think what should be done in return is to ignore people back when they ignore you and if someone says hi/hello then take your time and respond nicely because these are the people being nice to is worth it.
Sometimes, other people are evil.
I think you missed a reason – at least for men. I think sometimes the problem – as in Ariels case above – is that the co-worker has feelings for her and doesnt know how to deal with them so ignoring her is the only option. I have been in a similar situation. I dont understand how a grown man can act so much like a child around an intellegent woman. Are we that scary guys?? Its like kindergarten – the boys were always meanest to the girls they liked – I mean come on! What gives?? Ignore her – thats the best you can do – please! Apparently we aren’t as evolved as we think we are here in 2010!
i have been ignored for most of my life. I am made into a non-person by women, by employers and by the society around me. My experience with being ignored has more to do with my color than anything else. i use to try to let it all go and not let it hurt me. But after 20 years of this it has made a mark in my life. The worst experience I had of this was in LA. Where I was blatantly mistreated by a business owner. That experience changed me and my hatred for this country began to grow. I lost all trust and belief in this society and its people that day. it was the final straw. being ignored is the ultimate rejection and form of cruelty. Its like telling the other living being that you don’t even exist. I do not condone their actions but I can UNDERSTAND those who go to extremes to pass judgment in situations of profound injustice and discrimination. An element of that injustice has to do with being ignored.