The Reasons Why Other People Ignore You
Being ignored is one of the worst feelings in the world.
When I was in university, I tried to make a point of acknowledging people that I knew when I saw them around campus, even if it was just a nod or a quick grin. I used to get discouraged when other people didn’t say hello back or otherwise acknowledge my existence.
Later in life, whenever I caught myself ignoring or avoiding other people (sometimes way too frequently), I had to step back and examine why I was doing this. Common knowledge might say that you’re being ignored because the other person doesn’t like you, but common knowledge can be wrong, like in this example. I came to the conclusion that there could be multiple reasons why you (or I) might be ignored by other people we know. Moreover, they might not be intentionally hurtful reasons.
By the way, this applies to online and offline behavior. Sometimes it can seem like your little part of the online world is like an isolated island that no one can find.
So let’s look at this concept, starting with the potentially soul-crushing reasons why people won’t give you the time of day (don’t take these personally, okay? I’m just illustrating):
The Bad Reasons
The main reason that people will ignore you in a callous, ignorant, or hurtful way is that acknowledging you will be unpleasant to them. Here are the three sub-reasons:
- You are a source of embarrassment – being seen near you or talking to you will make them look bad to other people.
- You are a source of anger, sadness or pain – you may have done something that hurt this person in the past and they associate you with that bad feeling. Sadly, sometimes you don’t realize why they feel this way and so you wind up feeling slighted, too.
- You are a time sink to a self-centered person (from @scamtypes) – time spent acknowledging you will prevent them from spending time on other things that they want to do.
Another reason why people may choose to ignore you is that it is a way to demonstrate power over you (from @pchaney). Rejection makes the heart grow fonder (or obsessive or more easily manipulated?)
People can be really nasty to each other, using attention as a weapon. Our need for recognition can be used against us. This used to really bum me out. However, I did think of some benign reasons why people might ignore you (or me). If you’re cursing human nature after reading this article so far, maybe now you need to consider…
The Benign Reasons That Lead People To Ignore You
I think there are five main reasons why people may unintentionally ignore you:
Intent focus on a single goal – can’t focus on you
This can happen when a person is late for an appointment – they tend to ignore everyone and everything around them in order to get to their destination. The same holds true if they are under the compulsion of an urgent biological need (e.g. bathroom break, feeling sick) – they wouldn’t notice a tank or an elephant if it got in their way: they’d go up, under, or around the obstacle in their path. I know I would.
Intent focus on one other person
Some people become completely absorbed in the person that they’re with that they ignore the rest of the world. See new (or established) romantic interests, old friends, close family members, etc. as examples of these kinds of relationships. This focus can happen out of interest in the other person, out of empathy for what they are talking about, or simply out of respect. In some situations, you might be ignored by someone out of respect for that person’s conversation partner. Some people feel that it’s rude to let their attention stray from the person that they’re with. Emotional people tend to demand even more attention.
Overwhelmed by other stimuli
If you’re being ignored by someone who has three kids (or more) in tow, give them the benefit of the doubt. They’re probably maxing out on sensory input. The same holds true with someone who’s talking on their cellphone and doing something else at the same time. True, this may be self-inflicted pain on their part, but sometimes people do get urgent calls to deal with… Another possibility is that they are an introvert and they just can’t deal with other people at the moment.
They’re terrible with faces and/or they have bad eyesight
Some people who don’t recall faces very well. Or, it could be that they forgot their glasses and you look like a blur to them. This isn’t a likely scenario, but it’s possible.
You don’t look the same and they don’t recognize you
This final reason used to happen to me a lot when I was in my late teens and early 20s. Many of us change a lot during growing spurts or “filling out”. In my case, my hairstyle and features changed a lot between high school graduation and the ensuing seven years (I went from almost no body fat to a more average amount of body fat – thanks beer). For years it seemed like no one recognized me in public, especially when I started to cut my hair short.
Clearly, our appearance can change as we grow older. People who don’t see us for long periods of time remember the way we used to look. Therefore, if you’re ignored by someone you haven’t seen in years, consider whether or not your appearance has changed during those years. Similarly, in online media, changing your avatar or photo just might throw people off for a few moments. The same might be true if you change your username or E-Mail address.
Sometimes being ignored isn’t a belligerent act
I’m not writing this article to suggest that it’s OK to ignore people. I’ve clearly suggested some hurtful reasons why people ignore you. However, sometimes it’s better to give someone the benefit of the doubt (keep an open mind, but not an empty one) when they ignore you, especially if it’s a friend or friendly colleague. And just remember, these reasons can apply both to real-life interaction as well as social media and other online interaction.
So, after reading this article, what do you think? Should we give more people the benefit of the doubt when they ignore us?
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KatFrench:
Sign me up for “Overwhelmed by Stimuli” and “Horrible Eyesight” — no kidding, I'm terribly nearsighted and rarely wear my contacts, and thus have been known to ignore my immediate family at a distance.
But karma always pays me back for this negligence to the social contract, anyway.
Like last week, when we saw my brother-in-law and nephew at the grocery after letting the kids get beach balls. As they were walking away, my 5 year old shouted at the top of her lungs “Hey [cousin]! We've got BIG BALLS!!!”
I'll be living that one down at family gatherings for the rest of my LIFE…
2 March 2009, 10:14 amWebomatica:
The biggest reason why I ignore people (or they ignore me) that you missed (and isn't malicious) is “you're boring.” I find most people add very little to conversation with obvious remarks, or take too long to get to a point that is not very enlightening or insightful.
2 March 2009, 11:03 amMark Dykeman:
D'oh! Although that could be part of the “timesink” category…
2 March 2009, 11:06 amMark Dykeman:
Well, you just never know what you're going to learn through blogging…
2 March 2009, 11:07 amJo-Anne:
Another possibility: the person ignoring you is shy and/or bad with conversation. A simple hi is one thing, but they may be trying to avoid being pulled into interaction that makes them uncomfortable – absolutely nothing to do with you.
2 March 2009, 1:01 pmJeff - "Self-Confidence Plan":
Your commenters are hitting the nail on the head – a low self-esteem or self-confidence will lead to people ignoring you because you will appear anxious, hard to talk with, boring, or just not useful to the conversation. You are so busy wrapped up in fear and anxiety that you really aren't part of the social interaction at all.
Jeff
2 March 2009, 1:20 pmMark Dykeman:
Hey, that's a very good insight. Thanks for sharing that – I'm embarrassed that I didn't think of it!
2 March 2009, 1:26 pmKerry:
Gulp…I've never noticed people ignoring me….d'ya think its because I'm busily ignoring them?
2 March 2009, 1:28 pmMark Dykeman:
Actually, I think what Jo-Anne wrote was about the ignorer, not the ignoree. However, your point is also valid and part of what I referred to as people considering you a “timesink”.
2 March 2009, 1:30 pmMark Dykeman:
I'm sorry, did you say something?
2 March 2009, 1:30 pmazita:
Enjoyable read!
2 March 2009, 1:46 pmPlead guilty to ignoring others either due to a burst of shyness or the blur factor (when not wearing contacts). There is another factor I don't think you mentioned why people ignore others: they are rude and have no manners. It takes a second to nod back in recognition/passing — yeah, I agree that some people just like the power aspect of cutting others.
Mark Dykeman:
Sad but true, attention is a power thing at times.
2 March 2009, 1:47 pmKristin:
Sometimes it helps to just not take things too personally. I kind of like being ignored sometimes actually, anonymity has its perks. As far as “ignoring” others, I am very goal oriented and not very good with faces, not exactly a social giant, so the folks that “get through” end up being top-quality people and good friends. Also, people who constantly need attention I will ignore on purpose. Ugh.
We are overpopulated, distracted and oversaturated with social media. I don't consider the act of ignoring some folks a petty personal thing….I think its an act of selective attention to what matters.
2 March 2009, 5:17 pmMark Dykeman:
I can understand, if not empathize, with a lot of what you are saying. It's interesting how I used to observe this phenomenon in face-to-face (OK, offline) interactions and it also seems to occur online. There's certainly more information flung at us (or that we race past during our surfing) than we could ever take in… including people.
2 March 2009, 5:46 pmdcfemella:
I have to say that I am “Overwhelmed by Stimuli” and are “Horrible with Faces.”
2 March 2009, 5:56 pmMark Dykeman:
Yeah, that can happen quite easily. Although I used to be quite good with names and that has gotten worse with age.
2 March 2009, 6:06 pmHowie B:
In the past week, I have ignored 4 people I know well, but haven't seen in a long time. I just pretended like I didn't see them. Mostly it is because I am too focused on the task or conversation at hand I didn't have time to go into all the catching up that we would have to do.
2 March 2009, 6:58 pmMark Dykeman:
Well, at least you're honest about it.
2 March 2009, 7:20 pmCath Lawson:
Hi Mark – my comments are so not showing up on your blog when I try to add them from a reader – so I've come out of it to see if it makes any difference. I don't know why, it's happening – the comment just takes ages to load and it never seems to get there.
This is an interesting topic. I always recognise voices but I'm rubbish with faces and I'm betting I've walked past a whole bunch of people and not seen them. I find it even harder when I see folk and I'm not used to seeing them in that particular type of place.
Some people will also ignore/avoid others when my self esteem is low. A few years ago, when I was still suffering quite badly from PTSD, I would deliberately avoid people. I looked different – I had a scar on my face, which put me off talking to a lot of people. Also, my life wasn't good and I just couldn't face conversation with folk I'd known from my previous life, when things seemed so bad.
I guess a lot of the time, the avoiding thing is more to do with the avoider than the avoided.
3 March 2009, 7:37 amMark Dykeman:
I didn't realize that you were having that problem, Cath… I wonder if it has something to do with DISQUS?
I appreciate your insights into the “ignore” topic and I can empathize a tiny bit, although I've never really been in your situation.
3 March 2009, 8:48 amDon't Worry About Being Original, Be Genuinely Useful:
[...] The Reasons Why Other People Ignore You (Broadcasting Brain) [...]
12 March 2009, 8:05 amCaroline:
Yes, I agree that we should give people “the benefit of the doubt.” But what about family and friends who ignore your talents but not other siblings' or friends' gifts? Do you think there's something more than just plainly ignoring you? Looking forward to reading your reply!:-)
10 May 2009, 2:26 pmMark Dykeman:
Sounds like a family matter to me… in all seriousness, I'm not sure what to think, but it would sound unfair to me if certain members of that family were getting preferential treatment. That's without knowing the full story, of course…
11 May 2009, 10:31 amRichard:
Interesting article.
I use to get accused of being stuck up because I live in a small town and would walk past people I knew without noticing them. I didn't find out till years later that I have horrible eyesight, I can't make out faces very well after 6 feet, growing up with bad eyesight, I never knew any better.
20 June 2009, 12:08 amnesian:
just ignore theyre reaction and continue being a great person!…..you are important and there are people who love you and will acknowledge you should you ever come across them outside your home…
23 June 2009, 7:58 pmsave your disappointment for someone who really matters….
Polaroid Sunglasses:
There are lots of reason why we ignore some people…
4 August 2009, 8:05 pmWe have different reasons.. but I guess you must recognize him/her
even you have reason to ignore.. Remember the “GOLDEN RULE”?
Jewel:
I would like to add another important reason for being ignored, – some people are jealous of other people and try to isolate that person socially. I have seen that done to people who are good looking., the jealous unattractive person deliberatly ignores the person and the rest follow.,,,
17 August 2009, 8:28 pmjanet:
My eyesight was bad, no let me correct myself..IS BAD. My friends always told me I ignored them when they said hi to me. Really I am nearly legally blind. I apologize and tell them I have bad eyesight, but to make them feel bad for just a moment makes me feel bad. I wear contacts now so I never miss a hello.
but yes, these blind peeps do walk around, gym was bad too :/
9 September 2009, 6:02 pmrebeccaL:
That is an interesting thought. I agree with more just good looking, but just jealousy in general – cars, homes, education, etc… Sucks you cannot make friends outside of just your background.
Or I'm being punished for acheivements. 
Love this article!
3 October 2009, 2:29 pmzambooloo:
When I am at work some people think that are indespensable and that they are the one that all people have to go to and chat, sus, setting up people against others, and the main one(ripping people apart) put I just be the same idots like them i ignore them even better that what they think that thay are doing, I just do my duties and be proffessional in all aspect of my employment, if they don`t like me they can go kick a stone, jump over a bridge, or even play in a six lane traffic!
13 October 2009, 8:44 amB:
You just made me feel worse
1 November 2009, 4:41 pmferfoxake:
I am truly one of those terrible with faces, and even worse with names, people. It's not on purpose, believe me! It's actually quite a handicap. One I get ragged for BIG TIME. Bad, bad memory. But anyway, I would never blatantly ignore someone who was speaking to me, even if I hated their guts. It's just RUDE, no matter what the circumstances. I have had other people do this to me many, many times in my life and I want to know who the hell they think they are!! What make them so special that they think they can treat other people this way? Next time this happens, I'm going to demand an explanation!!!!!!
6 November 2009, 10:57 amtheignoree:
Nice, a perfect find for me, the ignoree of late. I miss the polite and honest people. The ones that would tell you “I (hear/ acknowledge/ see) (you/ your) (question/ greeting/ statement) but (don't/ haven't/ shouldn't) (want/ need/ have time/ like you/ care enough) to (answer/ greet/ comment)”. It's not hard and prevents the ignoree from having to guess at all those options! It can even prevent further annoyances, because the ignored now has a reason to leave the ignorer alone. People squirm in silence.
19 November 2009, 7:00 pmSenorita_Lily:
I like to think that most of the time people are ignoring others is unintentional. I have found myself ignored many times, and what I do is I just either keep to myself, or I will look for people who are not talking and ask them something. Sometimes it is hard for me to find things to say, but if I don't have anything to say, I don't want to try to think of something clever. Sometimes I am boring and i really have nothing to add to the conversation, and that is, as horrible as it sounds, a “turn off” for most people. (same goes for me when others are talking to me about things that I find boring).
27 November 2009, 11:06 amSenorita_Lily:
To be perfectly honest, people who ignore you intentionally are just jerks, and they don't like you for some reason, most of the time, unknown… but if you try to demand an answer, it will make them not like you even more, or they will laugh at you. They will get what they deserve. I saw that happen to someone who was bullying me in middle school. He bullied me every day and even on the bus. Wouldn't you know one day someone else came on the bus that usually did not take it, and smacked him (the bully) around a bit till he got off at a different stop and I am pretty sure he was about to cry. In the same sense, people who ignore others blatantly will get ignored too and it will bug the hell out of them. (i have seen that happen too)
27 November 2009, 11:16 amLaVonne:
I totally agree with this statement here. When you are an attractive person or have a lot going for you, ambitious, successful, positive and just an interesting person all around-I find that (in my case & others) the jealous ones will ignore you because in their small minds that's the only way to get at you and have some sort of power over you. I personally have dealt with this a lot online, Facebook being the main culprit moreso then in person. I am a naturally social person and dominant (in a good way) type of person in the flesh, so unless we have fell out or don't know eachother at all, I will always speak or give a warm smile…so these types for the most part are forced to speak even if it's painful for them to do so when in person. But on line in social situations like Facebook-they can pull out the daggers because it's easier. The way I have tested my theory on certain people utilizing Facebook was this one person who has hundreds of friends and posts topics every 5 minutes would speak or acknowledge me when I have certain profile pics viewable. If I change the pic to an even more attractive one this person will blatantly ignore me. I've noticed that this person uses my choice of words and sayings in their posts quite often-so I already know they are watching and admiring me from a far. To the point where they give no credit where credit is due-yet obviously likes my style. Then when I speak to this person or comment on a topic or even post an interesting one myself they ignore me. It's sad that sometimes in life there are too many Chiefs and not enough Indians. Some people feel the need to constantly be in the spotlight and don't want to give anyone else (especially someone their jealous of) the time of day. It's sad..and makes me weary of people. The whole isolation factor is their only tool-because some people are weak and will follow anything or anyone that is loud-but in reality isn't saying a darn thing.
28 November 2009, 6:27 pmvalina:
I agree LaVonne – you are absolutely right on target. That kind of person is pretty shallow and I always believe what goes around comes around. What we reap we shall sow.
24 December 2009, 10:01 pmvalina:
Don't waste your time on those shallow people. It's a waste of intelligent conversation because their mind is about the size of a pea. LOL!!
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1 January 2010, 9:26 pmspackle:
Sometimes it is for reasons like my own. I fell into a deep dark depression that lasted for years. Something I still fight to this day. I just didn't want to see or talk to anyone. I literally shut myself out from the world. It had nothing to do with my friends. Although some of their successes both personally and professionally made me feel like a loser. I still loved them but just didn't have the mental energy to interact with the world. It sucks. I lost some good friends because of my depression. Even years later when I tried to reach out and explain they just wouldn't return my phone calls or e-mails. A taste of my own medicine I guess?
22 January 2010, 11:57 amDenying Our Shopper Reality – Are You Not Talkin To Me? « The (Un Secret Shopper):
[...] writes a fascinating blog about human behavior called Broadcast Brain. In a post entitled “The Reasons Why Other People Ignore You,” he writes that “being ignored is one of the worst things in the world,” but [...]
3 February 2010, 12:30 amJonnie Wright:
Mark,
I loved your post on ignoring people and why we do it! I quoted it in my own blog post, which talks about the devastating effect of employees ignoring consumers, which is becoming more common-place. Great blog, great post, thank you!
-Jonnie Wright
3 February 2010, 12:43 amThe Buyosphere
Atanub72 (Atanu Bhattacharya):
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3 February 2010, 1:40 ammarkdykeman:
@Jonnie – you are welcome.
3 February 2010, 10:40 am